We Aren’t Family

You’ve stood before them and claimed to be a team. Stressed the importance of unity and having each others’ backs. You’ve vowed to support them, told them that failing is okay, encouraged them to be vulnerable. When their kid got sick and they needed time away, you shot back “Family first!”

In short, you’ve cultivated a culture of trust and empathy and caring. Maybe you’ve even claimed to be a family. But as economic pressures bear down on your organization, the family ties are fraying. Just as they do in real families.

Except that in real families, you’re not invited to a meeting in the dining room where an unfamiliar face seated beside your dad informs you that you’re no longer part of the family. And your siblings don’t look on pityingly as you’re escorted out, carrying a box full of participation trophies and faded Polaroids.

The point here is not to make light of a fate met by so many – and that many more are likely to meet in today’s challenging economic environment. Nor am I being a scold, looking to brand as hypocrites organizational leaders who’ve invoked the language and trappings of family, only to hand out pink slips to some of its members.

A powerful but problematic analog.

Because it’s easy to understand why increasingly humanistic language — think empathy and authenticity and vulnerability — has been admitted into the corporate vernacular. Leaders and culture builders know that employees and job seekers want organizations that embody the qualities found in the best families (or perhaps those missing from their own.) With such a powerful analog at their disposal, why not seize on it ?

Here's why: In tough times, the metaphor comes to a breaking point. Layoffs make very clear – to those let go but perhaps even more importantly to those who remain in the fold – that companies are not families. And leaders who’ve leaned on the language of family become compromised in the eyes of those they must continue to lead.

“Family first” … until they’re not

To be clear, many leaders are careful to avoid drawing explicit comparisons between workplace and family. They see the potential for it to boomerang and hit their credibility squarely in the solar plexus.

Yet while they may avoid explicit comparisons, organizations often traffic in the language of family. Indeed, the pervasive use of “Family first”, while ostensibly drawing a line between work and family, may actually serve to blur that line.

Urging employees to place their own needs first suggests that the organization is ultimately prepared to do likewise. Except that when the organizational back is against the wall, “Family first” is no longer a thing.

So how do you navigate that border? Between cultivating a trusting and nurturing workplace and inadvertently encouraging the false belief that your company will respond to a crisis not as a profit-seeking enterprise but as a family?

The truth is, it’s a treacherous border. The belief that our company will be there for us through thick and thin, often takes hold during thicker (if that means healthier and prosperous) times.

People are optimistic. Resources are plentiful. Milestones and goals are being surpassed. Leaders can get carried away, forgetting that good times don’t last forever. And who wants to point out that the sky could fall when we’re bathing in such warm and wonderful sunlight?

So we get ahead of ourselves, rhetorically. We make plans and promises, and envision a lifelong future. But then…

Such language is also invoked during stressful periods, when the world seems to be closing in and troops are encouraged to circle, unify and push forward. But then…

A technique for building trust

So how do you stay poised and measured during heady times, downturns or when you’re attempting to nurture culture and esprit de corps?

Whatever your tendency, there is a simple technique that can help you remain encouraging and enthusiastic, without being promissory: Instead of addressing “the audience”, imagine you’re having a conversation with a single human being. A real person whom you’ve gotten to know. And not a leader or an executive but a rank-and-file associate. Imagine that person hearing the words you’re speaking.

Then imagine having to lay that person off and defend the language you’ve used to encourage their dedication to the organization. How would it affect your word choice? Would it make you more measured in your predictions and promises? Would you be able to hold your head high?

This is not merely a CYA technique, designed to keep the egg off your face should things go South. Rather, it’s an exercise aimed at building a healthier culture through more straightforward communication.

Not everyone “knows the deal”

On some levels, leaders justify their tactics by implying that everyone in corporate America “knows the deal.” At-will employment, maximize shareholder value and the like.

But the fact is, levels of cynicism and savvy vary; some people choose to ignore the deal. They hear the language of family and take it at face value.

But beyond that, why would we utilize language that is basically designed to be instantaneously discounted in the minds of listeners? Language that can turn on us, fomenting cynicism and undermining the very culture of trust we’re trying to foster.

By all means be encouraging. Be optimistic. And promote behavior and values that build trust not in the organization but among its people. Just think twice before presenting company as family and encouraging fealty that may ultimately go unreturned.